Mommy and me
Only Mommy and me
and sometimes grandparents
strolling along neighborhood sidewalks
or diving into the brisk bay
never anyone with Mommy
only me
and her
just the two of us in that spacious apartment
just the two of us to keep each other company
Mommy worked hard
and never was there not enough
we were happy
at least, I was
even without a daddy or husband
we could make it
even though he lived in another state
with different children
who I would never know
we were happy without him around
even though he never called
we had a family who loved us
unconditionally
even though people gave Mommy
disdainful, painful glances
she was strong
and I didn't notice the absence
because even though he wasn't there to love me
I knew Mommy would always be there
and even though I never knew him
I'm happy without him
people pity the little girl without her daddy
but this little girl knows
that it was better
without him.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
On Writing
To write is to let your heart, all the feelings and emotions pent up inside, seep into the pen at your fingertips and bleed onto a blank canvas. A torrent of feelings, experiences, the past, the future, memories, dreams, aspirations- all flooding lines and margins to create a page of you. Your heart, laid upon a sheet of paper, exposed to the elements of criticism and interpretation, praise and opinion.
Writing is a burden. A demon, hovering on your shoulder, whispering thoughts and ideas into existence, an inception of inspiration, weighing you down, stirring up long-suppressed emotion, lingering on a single fragment of feeling until it swells to an unbearable magnitude, then- release. Pen scratching on parchment, anger and sadness and joy and contentment, striking the lines like bolts of lightning, relieving you of your affliction and scattering it into letters, sentences, chapters- until it is bearable.
When you allow yourself to write, to let loose the words, phrases, and tales swirling in your mind, you lose a bit of yourself to the pen. Letting a paper absorb your anxiety and bliss and memories is like allowing yourself to be opened up and examined- an autopsy of your thought processes. The allowance of such a process can be spontaneous or drawn out- to open up your mind can take any length of time. The art of dissecting your thoughts, molding them into coherent concepts, and eventually fashioning an actual piece to be read by others, is an art free from the chains of time- an hourglass with no set time span.
Whether writing is a battle to be conquered and overcome or a consolation and escape from reality, to write is to capture imagination on simple, lined paper, and expose it for the world to view and perceive.
Writing is a burden. A demon, hovering on your shoulder, whispering thoughts and ideas into existence, an inception of inspiration, weighing you down, stirring up long-suppressed emotion, lingering on a single fragment of feeling until it swells to an unbearable magnitude, then- release. Pen scratching on parchment, anger and sadness and joy and contentment, striking the lines like bolts of lightning, relieving you of your affliction and scattering it into letters, sentences, chapters- until it is bearable.
When you allow yourself to write, to let loose the words, phrases, and tales swirling in your mind, you lose a bit of yourself to the pen. Letting a paper absorb your anxiety and bliss and memories is like allowing yourself to be opened up and examined- an autopsy of your thought processes. The allowance of such a process can be spontaneous or drawn out- to open up your mind can take any length of time. The art of dissecting your thoughts, molding them into coherent concepts, and eventually fashioning an actual piece to be read by others, is an art free from the chains of time- an hourglass with no set time span.
Whether writing is a battle to be conquered and overcome or a consolation and escape from reality, to write is to capture imagination on simple, lined paper, and expose it for the world to view and perceive.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Thoughts on: Trust.
I've learned that trust is a valuable, extraordinarily fragile thing. It can be broken with just one word, and takes years to gain back. Trust can be as dangerous as any gun, and as beautiful as the most vibrant sunset. It is rare, though, in its purest form. True trust can only be found in Christ, who will never leave nor forsake His children, no matter what they go through, or say to Him in anger, or how they change over the years. His Word is true, and His Love is pure- how can we not trust Him with our entire being? He will never break a heart or lie about anything, will never gossip or break a promise. He is the only One who we can ever trust- so why do we risk being betrayed by other humans? Why do we give them our trust and pour out our hearts, with no guarantee of them returning the favor or protecting our secrets? We search for another person who we can trust completely, with every single thing in our lives, every trial and error, every triumph and every heartbreak. But more times than not, trusting someone results in that same heartbreak that you may have shared with them. It is inevitable that we will let each other down, but must it be so frequent and so painful when we do? How do we keep trust in someone, despite their guaranteed betrayal?
From what I have seen, we cannot.
My own experience has shown that we must place all of our trust in Him and Him alone, guarding our hearts and our desires and our pain, so that we may be kept whole in His grace. Once we find that person who we believe we can trust, we must go to Him in prayer, to be certain that we will not be let down again, and that if we are, we will not be so devastated by the consequences of our misplaced trust.
Perhaps I am wrong, or mistaken in my views of trust. But this is the way I see it, and because of these experiences and lessons learned, I will place my trust in Him alone.
From what I have seen, we cannot.
My own experience has shown that we must place all of our trust in Him and Him alone, guarding our hearts and our desires and our pain, so that we may be kept whole in His grace. Once we find that person who we believe we can trust, we must go to Him in prayer, to be certain that we will not be let down again, and that if we are, we will not be so devastated by the consequences of our misplaced trust.
Perhaps I am wrong, or mistaken in my views of trust. But this is the way I see it, and because of these experiences and lessons learned, I will place my trust in Him alone.
In you, Lord my God,
I put my trust.
I trust in you;
do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.
No one who hopes in you
will ever be put to shame,
but shame will come to those
who are treacherous without cause.
Psalm 25:1-3
And that's what I think.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Essay turned contemplation.
Written for English II Honors...
J'aime ma Bible (I like my Bible)
With a value that cannot be measured in numbers, words, or by any other means, my Bible is my most prized possession. My Bible has been a constant source of companionship, wisdom, and promises for years. Over the course of its history, it has taught, comforted, rebuked and connected many experiences and people, helping me to steadily grow in my faith.
With a value that cannot be measured in numbers, words, or by any other means, my Bible is my most prized possession. My Bible has been a constant source of companionship, wisdom, and promises for years. Over the course of its history, it has taught, comforted, rebuked and connected many experiences and people, helping me to steadily grow in my faith.
The life of my Bible began eight years ago, when it was purchased from a local Christian book store. A gift from my parents, it was presented to me with my name engraved in the bottom right corner. Since then, it has traveled all over the country, from Key West to Anchorage, Alaska. Its worn pages have been thumbed through on mission trips to South Tampa and Georgia, endlessly revealing new facets of faith and love. Beginning in grade school and continuing through my high school years, Sunday school and academic teachers alike have taught me to understand and apply the messages and models found throughout the gold-trimmed pages. Every day, my Bible's pages are turned, highlighted, and filled with post-it notes to mark new lessons and experiences. A constant companion, my Bible has helped me, and others, teach the Word to those around us.
As the years have gone on, my Bible has come to mean more and more. Through many trials and many cheers, my Bible has remained a symbol of my ever-strengthening faith. Its passages and promises have given root to tremendous spiritual growth and freshly revealed knowledge. From personal experience, discovery, and achievement, the pages of my Bible have been filled with notes, dates, and reminders of hardships overcome. Its thin, fingerprinted pages and colorfully tabbed paragraphs have always been a steadfast source of comfort and encouragement, from the lowest points in life to the most joyous. Most of all, throughout the eight years I have owned my Bible, it has shown me the many magnificent ways that I am loved, deeply and unconditionally, and has continually reassured me of this fact.
Without the companionship, wisdom, and promises found in my Bible, my faith would not be at the point it is now, and I would not be the person I am today. The immeasurable worth found in my Bible can never be matched or exceeded by another object. My Bible will forever and always remain my most prized possession, and be a firm foundation for my faith.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Sacrifice
Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God- this is your spiritual act of worship.
Romans 12:1
What is a sacrifice?
Why do we sacrifice?
What does a sacrifice mean?
The dictionary definition of a sacrifice is to endure the loss of something; or to lose or surrender something as a penalty for a mistake or fault or failure to perform, etc. But for me, sacrifice has a deeper meaning. A sacrifice is something given up in order to strengthen and deepen my faith and love for my Saviour. For others, sacrifice means simply pain or discomfort; for others still, it is punishment or loss.
A sacrifice can be small or large, insignificant or life-changing. Something as small as giving up a social network for a period of time can seem as drastic as giving up a home or car for some people. Still others think nothing of losing the comforts that we, as Americans, deem necessary: air conditioning, cars, beds, indoor plumbing- all is given up to serve the Father. These are the men and women who reach people for Christ, because of their willingness to step outside their comfort zone, whether in minute or enormous ways, and place themselves, without hesitation or complaint, in the midst of poverty and danger.
When we fall into the arms of Christ and begin to experience and better understand His incredible love, we begin to see the magnitude of the sacrifice He made for us. The One and Only, Sinless, Perfect Lamb laid down His life for us- sinful, dirty, stained sinners who have rejected and denied Him in every way we know how. When we grasp the amazing love displayed for us, we can begin to see how little the comforts of our daily lives matter. In Matthew 8:20, Jesus says that "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head." Even while He was preaching and living among us, Christ was sacrificing for us, giving up the basic need of a home to reach His children and show us His love! When we learn to truly appreciate this and are adequately thankful to Him, no price seems too high to pay for our Saviour. We must be sold out for Christ, and must understand that He deserves our entire life for what He did for us. He paid the ultimate price, because of His overwhelming love for us. This is why we sacrifice.
A sacrifice is a symbol of our love for our Lord. When we sacrifice things in our lives for Him, we are given the opportunity to give Him the extra time, money or resources that we gain from what we have given up.We are given the chance to grow closer and become better acquainted with the God of the Universe- an intimate relationship with our Creator, who loves us, His masterpieces, more dearly than we could ever imagine. He is jealous for our attention! Why don't we take our focus off of petty, worldly objects that will fade away like brief breaths, and turn our eyes and hearts and minds to the Father, who gave us life?
"Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise- the fruit of lips that confess His name."
Hebrews 13:15
Monday, May 24, 2010
Where you go, I will go...
Ruth 1:16
"...Where you go I will go, where you stay I will stay..."
Should we not have this same attitude towards our Father? If Ruth, a young widow, could have this sort of devotion toward her mother-in-law, then surely we can have the same, if not a stronger dedication of our lives to our Creator. He gave us life, and showers us in His grace and mercy every single day, because of how much He loves us. And what do we do in return? We sin against Him: disobeying our parents, lying, cheating, lusting, boasting. Our lives are filled with the stench of sin, which leads to eternal death. But He has offered us salvation- eternal life through His only, perfect Son, who came and died for us, before we were even concieved, so that we may someday live in Heaven with Him.
How, then, can we, sinful, dirty rags, possibly repay Him for such an incredible gift? Micah 6:8 sums it up quite well:
"And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God."
This is a powerful and extremely difficult command to keep. How can we even begin to keep it?
"Do not love the world or anything in the world..."
1 John 2:15
This is certainly a place to start. If we disregard the pleasures of the world (sinful cravings, lust, boasting, etc.) then our minds will be ever more filled with thoughts of our Savior and His Word, His plans, His thoughts. And if our minds are filled with Him, then we will surely be more apt to keep His commands and to honor Him with our lives. "If you love me, you will obey what I command..." John 14:15
"Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
1 Thessalonians 5:17
Prayer is a strong companion when you are striving to follow Him. We must be in a constant state of prayer, always worshipping and praising our Father for the many blessings He gives to us daily. Keeping our thoughts on Him will brighten our days and help keep our minds on what is right, therefore helping us to control our thoughts and what we say or do. In this way, we can exemplify Him through our lives and be witnesses in everything we do.
"I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father."
John 14:12
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."
Romans 8:28
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Slaves to Righteousness.
Romans 6:18- "You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness."
As I prepare to be baptized, I think about the awesome truth found in this verse. The preceeding verses say that we were "slaves to sin, which leads to death." Why would we want to continue to be bound to and serve such evil? If the master you are serving leads to eternal death, why would you continue to serve him?
But, as we were once slaves to that sin -our own transgressions- we have the opportunity to be set free in the Father's mercy! He sent His own son, Jesus Christ, to take on our sin and death and conquer it in the name of the Lord, thus giving us the gift of eternal life through Him. How can we not accept this incredible gift? When we do, we are filled with the Holy Spirit, and are now slaves to righteousness. Just as we were bound by sin, we are now bound by righteousness. We hardly have a choice in the matter- we serve an Almighty God who pours His blessings, mercy, and grace all over us- a flood of His love- so we must praise His name! Therefore we must serve Him, and be consecrated for His glory.
If He has brought us into the refuge of His love, how can we do anything but bring glory to Him?
As I prepare to be baptized, I think about the awesome truth found in this verse. The preceeding verses say that we were "slaves to sin, which leads to death." Why would we want to continue to be bound to and serve such evil? If the master you are serving leads to eternal death, why would you continue to serve him?
But, as we were once slaves to that sin -our own transgressions- we have the opportunity to be set free in the Father's mercy! He sent His own son, Jesus Christ, to take on our sin and death and conquer it in the name of the Lord, thus giving us the gift of eternal life through Him. How can we not accept this incredible gift? When we do, we are filled with the Holy Spirit, and are now slaves to righteousness. Just as we were bound by sin, we are now bound by righteousness. We hardly have a choice in the matter- we serve an Almighty God who pours His blessings, mercy, and grace all over us- a flood of His love- so we must praise His name! Therefore we must serve Him, and be consecrated for His glory.
If He has brought us into the refuge of His love, how can we do anything but bring glory to Him?
Monday, March 22, 2010
Photography.
This kind of goes along with my last post. The verse that it is from is Ephesians 2:10, NLT.Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Mercy with a Divine Purpose.
While discussing my faith with a friend a few days ago, he asked me a question that I thought I knew the complete answer to: "Why haven't I died because of all the terrible things I've done?" "Mercy!" was my quick reply. I began reading him Ephesians, chapter 2, verses 1-10:
"As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, 2 in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. 3 All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. 4 But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5 made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions- it is by grace you have been saved. 6 And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7 in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace..."
It goes on to say that we are saved by grace, not by our own works, so that no one can boast. This is because we are God's workmanship, or, in another term, masterpiece, who he created to "do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." God sees us as masterpieces- we are his prized art, hung upon His wall for all to see! He displays us in His gallery, the world, so that all men may see His glory through us! I found this extremely exciting and encouraging.
I went on to read Psalm 30, which is a Psalm of sorrow being turned into joy. I came upon verse 9, and realized how true the words are:
"What gain is there in my destruction,
in my going down into the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
will it proclaim your faithfulness?
Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me..."
David had a great point here, years before Paul wrote Ephesians. He was praising God for bringing him out of trials, and thanking God for having such a divine plan for his life that He would keep him from being destroyed. For what good are we to the Lord if He allowed us to be overcome by our struggles? How, then, could we reflect His mercy and love through our lives? He pours out His mercy on us so that we may continue, despite our sins and trials, to proclaim His name! He shows, by allowing us to live and not pay the Ultimate Price for our transgressions, how much He loves his creation! His masterpiece, created in His image for His glory.
So proclaim His name! Show the world how much He loves us- so much that He would send His one and only Son, that we may be saved by His grace and mercy, shown through His death on the Cross! Praise Him, for we are fearfully and wonderfully made! He has a plan for our lives- if He didn't, why would we be shown such mercy? Oh, how He loves us!
Love like a hurricane, I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy!
Show the world what a beautiful gift we have been given, so that they may share in our delight in the Lord!
"As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, 2 in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. 3 All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. 4 But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5 made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions- it is by grace you have been saved. 6 And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7 in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace..."
It goes on to say that we are saved by grace, not by our own works, so that no one can boast. This is because we are God's workmanship, or, in another term, masterpiece, who he created to "do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." God sees us as masterpieces- we are his prized art, hung upon His wall for all to see! He displays us in His gallery, the world, so that all men may see His glory through us! I found this extremely exciting and encouraging.
I went on to read Psalm 30, which is a Psalm of sorrow being turned into joy. I came upon verse 9, and realized how true the words are:
"What gain is there in my destruction,
in my going down into the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
will it proclaim your faithfulness?
Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me..."
David had a great point here, years before Paul wrote Ephesians. He was praising God for bringing him out of trials, and thanking God for having such a divine plan for his life that He would keep him from being destroyed. For what good are we to the Lord if He allowed us to be overcome by our struggles? How, then, could we reflect His mercy and love through our lives? He pours out His mercy on us so that we may continue, despite our sins and trials, to proclaim His name! He shows, by allowing us to live and not pay the Ultimate Price for our transgressions, how much He loves his creation! His masterpiece, created in His image for His glory.
So proclaim His name! Show the world how much He loves us- so much that He would send His one and only Son, that we may be saved by His grace and mercy, shown through His death on the Cross! Praise Him, for we are fearfully and wonderfully made! He has a plan for our lives- if He didn't, why would we be shown such mercy? Oh, how He loves us!
Love like a hurricane, I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy!
Show the world what a beautiful gift we have been given, so that they may share in our delight in the Lord!
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Why are we silent?
I have heard many times that we are the generation who will get out there and get into action, stand up for what we believe, make a difference. But I really don't see that happening very much. Sure, we fight for the right to marry someone of the same sex, and we fight for the "right" to kill unborn children. But we haven't yet had a national argument over whether or not teenagers have the right to hand out tickets to a Christian event in Walmart parking lots without getting into trouble. Why aren't there entire youth groups sitting on Oprah's couches, defending our faith? Instead, we sit at home and quietly disagree with these people who bash our God. We should be out there, displaying what we're all about! We shouldn't just discuss these things in our small groups at church- we need to take action! People should see us, teenagers, on the streets, defending our God, instead of sitting around and singing lifeless worship songs. We need to put action into our faith- we are not called to simply sit around and worship our God through music and reading His Word. Though these things are good and help you grow in your faith, how much more will your faith flourish when you are out on the streets, proclaiming His name? Why are we not out there now? Why is no one responding to this awesome calling, this honor, of being a light to the world for Jesus Christ! If it is out of fear, then we lack faith! Psalms 27:1 "The Lord is my light and my salvation- whom shall I fear?" Why are we so afraid to speak of our faith? Why do we shy away from declaring the name of the Lord? We should be shouting of His grace, His mercy, His indescribable love! We have nothing to fear with Him by our sides. We cannot be silenced by mere men! We should not stand for this silent faith. I pray that we become the loudest, most outspoken generation of Christians that the world has ever seen- more so even than Paul! May we take His name to the people of the world who have not yet had the opportunity to hear His name, let alone be told of His salvation! May we show these people that we are not afraid, that we fear nothing and no one- that we will stand firm for our Lord and Savior Lesus Christ, and not be silenced!
I admit, I am guilty of being a silent, shy Christian. But the more I dig into the Word, the more I see the need for us to get out there! We have to display our faith in every way possible. We are called, as Christians, to be missionaries who are willing to die for our God. This is no small task. Our salvation is not a simple security blanket. We must share it with the world! We are not called to discover His awesomeness, His everlasting love, and then simply hide it away! We must show this incredible gift, that we did nothing to earn, that was given to us in His amazing grace and mercy and love, to everyone!
I will not let a rock cry out in my place to worship my God. Will you?
I admit, I am guilty of being a silent, shy Christian. But the more I dig into the Word, the more I see the need for us to get out there! We have to display our faith in every way possible. We are called, as Christians, to be missionaries who are willing to die for our God. This is no small task. Our salvation is not a simple security blanket. We must share it with the world! We are not called to discover His awesomeness, His everlasting love, and then simply hide it away! We must show this incredible gift, that we did nothing to earn, that was given to us in His amazing grace and mercy and love, to everyone!
I will not let a rock cry out in my place to worship my God. Will you?
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Middle School Years...
Last night was our last night of middle school Breakpoint. The "panel" really made me think about how my life has been transformed during these past 2 years in the Middle School Ministry. This will probably wind up being a mess of random thoughts and memories, so bear with me.
Sixth grade was my first year in middle school, and probably the worst. My social life was a train wreck, my friends were nearly non-existant, and my reputation was ruined. But it taught me a very important lesson- I need to learn to tolerate those around me, no matter their flaws or quirks. Throughout the year, I began to understand the value of friends, family, and a Christian attitude. Without these three things, I was lost in the chaos that was my life. But as the year progressed, I began to gain the support of family and friends. But I will freely say that I did not have a Christian attitude in the sixth grade, and didn't feel that I needed one. I had my excuses, and spouted them whenever I was called out on my attitude or actions. Sixth grade was a year of crying, learning, and finally, conquering obstacles. But it was not a year of spiritual growth.
Seventh grade was also a tough year, but I learned much, much more about others, as well as myself. After being dropped into the middle of the homeschool life, I was angry, upset, and wanting desperately to be rebellious. But as the year progressed, I slowly began to realize that what I hated most was actually helping me grow, as a Christian and as a young woman. I began to understand why people acted as they did, said the things that they said, and I began to feel sympathy for them. I began to see why my parents had pulled me out of my school, and why homeschooling was the best option for me that year. I became more independent, more social, and my reputation began to remake itself. I was no longer a "mean girl", but, rather, I became part of a group of Christian guys and girls, who helped me grow in my relationship with Christ, as well as other friends and family. Straight Up Weekend really opened my eyes to how incredibly lost I was without God. As I watched friends go forward, surrendering their lives for the first time to Christ, or rededicating themselves, I began to see the awesome power of my Savior. He could change hearts from just a few sentences, a few words, sometimes just a hug or a smile. He became larger to me, more real, closer than I had ever thought possible. My faith grew to incredible heights, and I began to search for Him, reading my Bible daily, praying consistently, talking with friends about our revelations and convictions. But this "high" only lasted for a few days, maybe a week. I began to fall away from my quiet time, not as focused on God and his awesomeness. I hadn't completely fallen away from God, but I was not as close to Him as I had felt at Straight Up Weekend, so I began to feel discouraged. But then camp happened. Camp was truely life changing. I rededicated my life to Him, and suddenly realized what I needed to forget, who I needed to forgiive, and Who I needed to trust completely. My life was different when I returned- I was reading my Bible, doing a quiet time, and staying close to God for several weeks after. I began to see who my true friends really were, and I suddenly understood the meaning of a best friend. My life was flipped upside down, and I was getting so much out of it. I was beginning to discover my faith.
But as I entered the eighth grade, I began to fall away again. I was put into public school, where I felt I didn't fit in, wasn't accepted. I was distracted from God and His Word, and started to hang out with what I thought was the wrong crowd. I didn't dare speak of my faith, or even one word of God, fearful that I would be excluded from groups, conversations, or any other social activities I wished to take part in. I read my Bible occasionally, and tried to direct my life more toward God. But in reality, the only time I was ever talking to or worshipping Him was on Wednesday nights. Even on Sundays, I was not praising Him as I should have been, my excuse being that the style of the services wasn't "contemporary enough". My spiritual life was confined to an hour and a half each week, and it was doing nothing to quench my spiritual thirst. I craved Him, His Word, His guidance. But I was terrified of not being accepted. As the youth activities started to come around, I begged to go to them. I went to Straight Up Weekend, after preparing for it through the Journey of Awareness. Over the course of the weekend, my eyes were opened to the need around me. I realized that even though people appeared to be okay, they all had hidden hurts, fears, and secrets. I talked to people who were really struggling in their waslk with God, and tried to be an example and give them Godly advice. But I realized that I could not provide these things if I was not living according to them. I needed to show these people God through my life, not only my words. I realized that I needed to change. So I went home, believing that I would change. I changed slightly, but not as much as I had hoped. My spiritual time was still only once a week, and I was still trying desperately to fit in. But I did start talking about my faith more. I wasn't quite as afraid to voice my opinion, or to claim Christ as my Savior. As the end of the year rolled around, lessons from Scott's Spiritual Leadership Bible Study started to bubble up in my mind. I began to see that I was the leader at school, at church, and even at home. I needed to show my faith unashamedly, not afraid of being excluded or laughed at. I needed to lead others to Christ, be an ambassador, confident in my beliefs and my God. So I tried to change. I tried to stop laughing at the jokes, to stick up for those who were laughed at, to accept others more freely. To be more like Christ. I succeded, in a way. I saw how far I had strayed, and how much I would need to do to gain the lost ground back. I also saw that my intentions were not as they should have been. I was trying to change my life to be able to show the people at church what a great Christian I was. How far I had come in my walk with Christ. How many people I could be a light to. I wanted people to notice me, to see my great successes and even my failures which had taught me important lessons. I wanted to be seen. But through Scott's sermons, Sunday School lessons, and the help of friends, I realized that I should be wanting people to see God, not me. I should be trying to show people how great He was, not my own accomplishments. I realized that I needed to tell God how awesome and great He was, not how cool I was for being a Christian. I needed to be His instrument, instead of using Him to gain popularity. After camp, and Matt's incredible messages and illustrations, I began to really start growing in Christ. But it was not until Frontliners that my eyes were really opened to His grace, mercy, indescribable love for us. As we shared with the people in South Tampa, I saw how He worked through us, and all we were doing was handing out some papers and quoting a few verses. We were daily reminded that God didn't need us to show Him to people. He could to that all on His own. But He chose us to go out and be ambassadors for Him. He had picked us for a reason, and He would be glorified through our jumbled words, sweaty backs and sore feet. He was all that mattered that week. We were there for Him, for His work, not for our own recognition. As we went door to door, I saw hearts being cracked, slowly, slowly, and people beginning to be exposed to His glory. I saw students come forward and rededicate their lives to Christ, saw them give themselves to Him for the first time. I witnessed people standing, admitting that they needed prayer, and asking for it without an ounce of shame. I heard heartfelt testimonies, incredible stories of God working in students, and I was given the privilege of seeing people transformed completely for Him. Frontliners was, by far, the closest I have ever felt to God, and it has stayed fresh in my mind, even after nearly a month of being home, being caught up in life. I have begun to see God for who He really is- He is everything. Nothing can be without Him. I could not be writing this without His mercy, love, and grace. I am nothing without His love, His Son, His awesomeness.
Scott asked the panel last night what they would say to the upcoming 8th graders if they had 30 seconds to talk to them. One of the biggest issues of 8th grade was not even touched on in anyone's 30 seconds: dating. I just want to say, to any upcoming 8th grader who reads this, that dating in middle school is not a good idea, unless the person you are in a relationship is at a higher spiritual level then you are. At least the same level. Being close to a person who does not share the same faith as you will, without a doubt, pull you away from God, as well as your Christian friends. I was told this time after time, and ignored this advice, believing that I could maintain my faith, even while dating an unbeliever. I was wrong. Oh, how wrong. I learned very quickly that you cannot rely on yourself to stay in the Word. You have to be surrounded with Christian friends to encourage you, and if your boyfriend or girlfriend is not part of the Christian group, you will not be able to stay close to Him. You must, at all costs, have an intimate circle of Christian friends, or you will not easily succeed in remaining in the Word. Being in a close relationship with an unbeliever, or even someone of a lower spiritual level, will always result in you being pulled away from God. No exeptions. I have witnessed this happen multiple times over the course of this year, as well as experiencing it myself, and it is not easy to just jump back into a routine of reading the Word daily, or even worshipping God as you should. So my word of advice to the upcoming 8th graders is to not date while you are leading in your school and at church. You are no longer the one watching- you are the one being watched. You must set the standard for the class after you, and the classes after that. You cannot ignore this responsibility. I wish I would have tried harder to be an example to you guys. I should have strived to show you Christ, instead of showing you how to be "cool". Because you cannot even begin to even resemble cool unless you are a servant for Him. :))
There is so much more that I could say, so much that I have learned and experienced that I would love to talk to the 8th graders about. I can only hope that I will have the opportunity to be a Christ-like example as I enter high school and come in contact with hundreds of other students like myself. I hope that the new 8th graders will lead with more confidence, a stronger faith, and more wisdom then our class did, and I pray that you will all be exposed to His awesomeness as often as He allows.
Sixth grade was my first year in middle school, and probably the worst. My social life was a train wreck, my friends were nearly non-existant, and my reputation was ruined. But it taught me a very important lesson- I need to learn to tolerate those around me, no matter their flaws or quirks. Throughout the year, I began to understand the value of friends, family, and a Christian attitude. Without these three things, I was lost in the chaos that was my life. But as the year progressed, I began to gain the support of family and friends. But I will freely say that I did not have a Christian attitude in the sixth grade, and didn't feel that I needed one. I had my excuses, and spouted them whenever I was called out on my attitude or actions. Sixth grade was a year of crying, learning, and finally, conquering obstacles. But it was not a year of spiritual growth.
Seventh grade was also a tough year, but I learned much, much more about others, as well as myself. After being dropped into the middle of the homeschool life, I was angry, upset, and wanting desperately to be rebellious. But as the year progressed, I slowly began to realize that what I hated most was actually helping me grow, as a Christian and as a young woman. I began to understand why people acted as they did, said the things that they said, and I began to feel sympathy for them. I began to see why my parents had pulled me out of my school, and why homeschooling was the best option for me that year. I became more independent, more social, and my reputation began to remake itself. I was no longer a "mean girl", but, rather, I became part of a group of Christian guys and girls, who helped me grow in my relationship with Christ, as well as other friends and family. Straight Up Weekend really opened my eyes to how incredibly lost I was without God. As I watched friends go forward, surrendering their lives for the first time to Christ, or rededicating themselves, I began to see the awesome power of my Savior. He could change hearts from just a few sentences, a few words, sometimes just a hug or a smile. He became larger to me, more real, closer than I had ever thought possible. My faith grew to incredible heights, and I began to search for Him, reading my Bible daily, praying consistently, talking with friends about our revelations and convictions. But this "high" only lasted for a few days, maybe a week. I began to fall away from my quiet time, not as focused on God and his awesomeness. I hadn't completely fallen away from God, but I was not as close to Him as I had felt at Straight Up Weekend, so I began to feel discouraged. But then camp happened. Camp was truely life changing. I rededicated my life to Him, and suddenly realized what I needed to forget, who I needed to forgiive, and Who I needed to trust completely. My life was different when I returned- I was reading my Bible, doing a quiet time, and staying close to God for several weeks after. I began to see who my true friends really were, and I suddenly understood the meaning of a best friend. My life was flipped upside down, and I was getting so much out of it. I was beginning to discover my faith.
But as I entered the eighth grade, I began to fall away again. I was put into public school, where I felt I didn't fit in, wasn't accepted. I was distracted from God and His Word, and started to hang out with what I thought was the wrong crowd. I didn't dare speak of my faith, or even one word of God, fearful that I would be excluded from groups, conversations, or any other social activities I wished to take part in. I read my Bible occasionally, and tried to direct my life more toward God. But in reality, the only time I was ever talking to or worshipping Him was on Wednesday nights. Even on Sundays, I was not praising Him as I should have been, my excuse being that the style of the services wasn't "contemporary enough". My spiritual life was confined to an hour and a half each week, and it was doing nothing to quench my spiritual thirst. I craved Him, His Word, His guidance. But I was terrified of not being accepted. As the youth activities started to come around, I begged to go to them. I went to Straight Up Weekend, after preparing for it through the Journey of Awareness. Over the course of the weekend, my eyes were opened to the need around me. I realized that even though people appeared to be okay, they all had hidden hurts, fears, and secrets. I talked to people who were really struggling in their waslk with God, and tried to be an example and give them Godly advice. But I realized that I could not provide these things if I was not living according to them. I needed to show these people God through my life, not only my words. I realized that I needed to change. So I went home, believing that I would change. I changed slightly, but not as much as I had hoped. My spiritual time was still only once a week, and I was still trying desperately to fit in. But I did start talking about my faith more. I wasn't quite as afraid to voice my opinion, or to claim Christ as my Savior. As the end of the year rolled around, lessons from Scott's Spiritual Leadership Bible Study started to bubble up in my mind. I began to see that I was the leader at school, at church, and even at home. I needed to show my faith unashamedly, not afraid of being excluded or laughed at. I needed to lead others to Christ, be an ambassador, confident in my beliefs and my God. So I tried to change. I tried to stop laughing at the jokes, to stick up for those who were laughed at, to accept others more freely. To be more like Christ. I succeded, in a way. I saw how far I had strayed, and how much I would need to do to gain the lost ground back. I also saw that my intentions were not as they should have been. I was trying to change my life to be able to show the people at church what a great Christian I was. How far I had come in my walk with Christ. How many people I could be a light to. I wanted people to notice me, to see my great successes and even my failures which had taught me important lessons. I wanted to be seen. But through Scott's sermons, Sunday School lessons, and the help of friends, I realized that I should be wanting people to see God, not me. I should be trying to show people how great He was, not my own accomplishments. I realized that I needed to tell God how awesome and great He was, not how cool I was for being a Christian. I needed to be His instrument, instead of using Him to gain popularity. After camp, and Matt's incredible messages and illustrations, I began to really start growing in Christ. But it was not until Frontliners that my eyes were really opened to His grace, mercy, indescribable love for us. As we shared with the people in South Tampa, I saw how He worked through us, and all we were doing was handing out some papers and quoting a few verses. We were daily reminded that God didn't need us to show Him to people. He could to that all on His own. But He chose us to go out and be ambassadors for Him. He had picked us for a reason, and He would be glorified through our jumbled words, sweaty backs and sore feet. He was all that mattered that week. We were there for Him, for His work, not for our own recognition. As we went door to door, I saw hearts being cracked, slowly, slowly, and people beginning to be exposed to His glory. I saw students come forward and rededicate their lives to Christ, saw them give themselves to Him for the first time. I witnessed people standing, admitting that they needed prayer, and asking for it without an ounce of shame. I heard heartfelt testimonies, incredible stories of God working in students, and I was given the privilege of seeing people transformed completely for Him. Frontliners was, by far, the closest I have ever felt to God, and it has stayed fresh in my mind, even after nearly a month of being home, being caught up in life. I have begun to see God for who He really is- He is everything. Nothing can be without Him. I could not be writing this without His mercy, love, and grace. I am nothing without His love, His Son, His awesomeness.
Scott asked the panel last night what they would say to the upcoming 8th graders if they had 30 seconds to talk to them. One of the biggest issues of 8th grade was not even touched on in anyone's 30 seconds: dating. I just want to say, to any upcoming 8th grader who reads this, that dating in middle school is not a good idea, unless the person you are in a relationship is at a higher spiritual level then you are. At least the same level. Being close to a person who does not share the same faith as you will, without a doubt, pull you away from God, as well as your Christian friends. I was told this time after time, and ignored this advice, believing that I could maintain my faith, even while dating an unbeliever. I was wrong. Oh, how wrong. I learned very quickly that you cannot rely on yourself to stay in the Word. You have to be surrounded with Christian friends to encourage you, and if your boyfriend or girlfriend is not part of the Christian group, you will not be able to stay close to Him. You must, at all costs, have an intimate circle of Christian friends, or you will not easily succeed in remaining in the Word. Being in a close relationship with an unbeliever, or even someone of a lower spiritual level, will always result in you being pulled away from God. No exeptions. I have witnessed this happen multiple times over the course of this year, as well as experiencing it myself, and it is not easy to just jump back into a routine of reading the Word daily, or even worshipping God as you should. So my word of advice to the upcoming 8th graders is to not date while you are leading in your school and at church. You are no longer the one watching- you are the one being watched. You must set the standard for the class after you, and the classes after that. You cannot ignore this responsibility. I wish I would have tried harder to be an example to you guys. I should have strived to show you Christ, instead of showing you how to be "cool". Because you cannot even begin to even resemble cool unless you are a servant for Him. :))
There is so much more that I could say, so much that I have learned and experienced that I would love to talk to the 8th graders about. I can only hope that I will have the opportunity to be a Christ-like example as I enter high school and come in contact with hundreds of other students like myself. I hope that the new 8th graders will lead with more confidence, a stronger faith, and more wisdom then our class did, and I pray that you will all be exposed to His awesomeness as often as He allows.
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